The Biggest Loss

Not forgetting

2012-01-17T13:23:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile.

The holidays are now over - thank goodness. I thought they may be a bit easier this year, but not so much. It is so hard when you sit and think about what "should" be. I should have had 2.5 year old running around excited for Christmas, I should have had a picture with my 2.5 year old and 10 month old sitting on Santa's knee. I didn't get that, and never will.

I find as time goes on people forget, or think mentioning Beckett is a bad thing. Not a day goes by I don't forget. Bodhi does not replace Beckett and never will. The holidays are tough, seeing my friends children grow is tough and not having a complete family photo really bothers me.

These are things I still struggle with and chose to keep it inside.

Chase Community Giving

2011-11-20T09:12:00.000-08:00

Chase Community Giving was started in 2009. It was designed to allow for readers to determine where Chase donates the millions of dollars they have put aside to assist chairities.

HOW DOES THE PROGRAM WORK?

Chase Community Giving Fall 2011 voting started on November 8th, 2011 and will run until November 22, 2011. The 100 eligible charities with the most votes will share $3.025 million dollars in grants, with awards as follows: 1 charity will receive $250,000, 4 charities will receive $100,000, and 95 charities will receive $25,000.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Since you all know how important the Enterovirus is to me and my family, I would love it you could use 1 of your 10 votes to vote for the EVF Foundation. This money will help researchers understand the disease and develop antiviral medications that work to stop its progression - something my little Beckett could have used.

Thanks in advance for your vote!

This is just life

2011-10-03T07:19:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy the last few months with the new baby, work and life that I think I have been guilty of “Stuffing” my feelings about Beckett again.

They seem to creep up and I am a master at shoving them down and getting really involved with something else to occupy my mind.

I still feel a lot of guilt over what happened. Guilty that I didn’t insist on taking him home from the cold, damp cottage when I knew he was sick. (I once again put someone elses feelings before my own.) I also feel guilt for leaving Beckett at the hosptila the night he died to go home to try to get some rest.

I doubt the outcome would have been any different, but I still think about the “what if’s” all the time.

I know I shouldn’t dwell on those things, but I am not sure how I can move past it. I will never have the answers I want or know what would have or could have been different.

I guess this is just life!

I survived

2011-08-04T19:37:00.001-07:00

I had an interesting conversation with someone the other day. I hadn’t really spoken to this person since my son died, but we use to be really close. The conversation went like this:

Her “I don’t know how you did it.”

Me: “Did what”

Her: “Lived through what you went through”

Me: “What choice did I have?”

Her: “Your still here!”

That last comment shocked me and made me realize people couldn’t imagine walking in my shoes. They are uncomfortable ones and ones I wouldn’t share with anyone.

As far as being here, I AM, but as a different me. I am not the only one grieving. In addition to my family and friends, my husband is also grieving the loss of his son. Even in my darkest days, not surviving didn’t cross my mind. How could I leave him alone to deal with his grief? Who would help him keep our sons memory alive?

I AM here, I AM a different person.

I have learned more about myself and others around me then I ever thought was possible.

I know who will be there for me when I need them and I know who I can’t lean on.

I know I am stronger than I ever believed I could be.

I know nothing in life is certain and as much as I like to plan and be in control, I can’t.

As much as I now know there are many things I dont. I don’t know what my future will hold or what will happen tomorrow, but I do know I will survive whatever life throws at me.

Don't waste your energy

2011-07-26T11:10:00.001-07:00

I did it, I went back to the hospital that almost 2 years ago caused me so much anger. Don’t get me wrong I am still very angry at what took place, but am proud of myself for pushing that aside and being there when I was needed.

My brother was brought in by ambulance to the same ER we brought Beckett to. When I heard, my DH asked me if I could go in there. My response, “This is not about me, I have to do it.”

I think often people get caught up in what happened in the past and lose focus as to why they are where they are in the present. Getting angry, upset and vocal about something that happened in a very different situation is useless. It is a waste of energy, energy that would be better directed at the current situation.

Of all that has happened to me, I have learned that there are more important things in life then being bitter and angry. Yes there are times that you need to feel what you are feeling, but to dwell on things gets you nowhere. I have learnt that I have limited energy stores and if I waste them on silly things, then I am just not going to be any help to anyone.

The ER was scary, but what was scarier was my brother’s medical condition. Things are looking up for him, he is now home and waiting on more tests. I am glad that I could push my feelings aside and be there for him.

Little pat on the back for me J

New Mom

2011-07-04T07:56:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday I feel like I became a “new mom”. Bodhi was the same age Beckett was the day he died. Now all things are new to me again. I have never had to deal with a mobile baby, teething, first foods etc. I do look forward to these things, but look forward with caution. I am still scared everyday and do my best to enjoy every second I have with Bodhi.

I still often wonder if Beckett is mad at us and feels like we replaced him in some way. Silly I know, but you just wish so much that you could see him and tell him how much you love and miss him. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and wonder if he was here what our life would be like. No doubt I would be busy chasing around a 2 year old and finding fun family things to do this summer.

Bodhi is doing well, judging by the amount of drool and finger chewing going on I think he is teething already. He also rolled over the other day, something Beckett never got a chance to do. It was exciting for both of us. No more having unsupervised naps on our bed!

Here is a picture of him before he did it...

Hope everyone had a great long weekend. We had beautiful weather here.

Butterfly Release 2011

2011-06-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

Over the past few weeks I have thought of many things that I wanted to write, but just haven’t taken the time to sit down and do it. Bad I know!

Today we participated in a butterfly release supporting the local bereaved families organization. Our immediate family came to celebrate Beckett's life with us and we were also surprised by our neighbours and good friends who came out to show their support. That touched me so much – to know that others still think about Beckett and know how important days like today are to us.

We each had a butterfly and had to keep it warm so when we were ready to release them they would fly away. I tucked mine into my hoodie and peeked at it now and again only to see it moving around in its little box. I thought that as soon as I opened it off it would go. That isn’t what happened and mine hung around and took a bit of nudging to move along.

But as you can see it didn’t go very far. It landed on Bodhi’s stroller and hung out there for quite awhile.

We decided to move it and put it on Bodhi. The butterfly sat for at least 10 minutes and only moved when I had to move it so I could get Bodhi out of the stroller. It was like his big brother was watching him and letting him know he was there with us. Although some may think signs like that are silly and mean nothing, to me it meant the WORLD.

Time markers - they just keep coming

2011-04-29T10:15:00.000-07:00

Time doesn’t stand still, sometimes I wish it would. The thought that my sweet baby would be 2 years old next week is almost too hard to bear. To think of all the things you are missing out on and all the new memories we don’t get to make with you hurts. We should be planning a party with your little friends, instead we are trying to decide the best way to honour your memory and let you know you are not and will never be forgotten.

Seeing my friends babies grow and enjoy all the things you never got to is extremely hard for me. I try to put my best face on and be happy with them while they discuss all the fun things they get to do and see as their children grow. It feels impossible sometimes and usually results in me leaving in tears.

Mothers Day is also coming up. Seems like you get hit with one hard day after another – Easter, birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father's Day... This year the signs and constant reminders of this Hallmark holiday aren’t getting to me as much. Probably because I have a little someone to share it with again and I am not as hypersensitive to it.

Last year you couldn’t have convinced me I was still a mother that should embrace the day. Yes I know I had given birth, but the point of the holiday is to do something with your mother, thank her for being there --- something I wouldn’t be able to share with Beckett again. Even though the constant advertisements aren’t getting to me, thinking about the fact that Bodhi’s presence makes it easier makes me feel like I am betraying Beckett.

Bodhi is doing well and our constant concern for his well being is still the same: fear of him getting sick, fear of not being able to help him and fear he will not be with us forever are still all too present. I don’t want to raise him in a bubble! This is something we need to work through so we can all ensure he has the best life possible.

7 Weeks in

2011-04-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

It has been another 3 weeks and we are still hanging in.

Things haven’t been easy, I am not going to lie. I haven’t said that out loud and couldn’t figure out why. I recently read another BLM blog post and it clicked! I feel I can’t complain about losing sleep, or being tired. I should be happy I have another child and happy for all it brings. I dont feel I have a right to complain about the feedings, diaper changes and sleepless nights. I should be embracing it and be thankful for every minute I spend with my child.

Don’t get me wrong I am thankful and happy for every moment I am just exhausted and scared.

The last few days we seem to have gotten into a nightly routine, I know i may not last, but I am enjoying the additional hours of sleep.

Last week Bodhi was looking a bit jaundiced again so we had his billirubin retested along with some additional blood tests for peace of mind. I took him to the lab myself, thinking it wouldn’t be a problem. He was great! Me...well not so much. Just seeing him lay on a hospital bed and having 2 nurses hold him down looking for a vein brought back some bad images. I had to keep telling myself Bodhi isn’t sick and this isn’t the same. I am sure I will face many more tough moments like this.

If you are up for a cry listen to this. Not a song I have heard before, but it hits home HARD!

Welcome our Rainbow Baby

2011-03-28T10:07:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will mark 4 weeks since my little boy was born. Yes, we had another little boy and he looks so much like his big brother did at this age it is incredible. March 1st at 4:17pm our little Bodhi came into this world weighing 7lbs. Bodhi was born via scheduled C section, as was Beckett. The whole day was surreal and brought with it a bunch of emotions that I am not sure I can articulate.

The first night at the hospital I had to spend alone because I was placed in a semi-private room. When the nurse informed me that Brandon would have to go home, I cried. I was scared and needed him there with me, but I had no choice. To top the evening I had a roommate join me around 3am that morning. She was all of 17 years old and arrived with her boyfriend and no baby. When the nurse asked her if she had any questions the only one she came up with was, “when can I get the birth certificate?” I thought it was odd, but was tired and just wanted them to be quiet so I could sleep. I also thought it was odd that when Bodhi was brought in, so I could BF him, she remarked through the curtain “oh they bring your baby to you so you can feed him?”. I just responded yes and wondered where her child was.

My roomies first visitor arrived at 8am – visiting hour’s don’t start until 11am, which is when I found out that her baby was in the neonatal unit being monitored for withdrawal symptoms because the mother is addicted to methadone. I understand some people have problems, but I just couldn’t handle the way she spoke about what the baby was going through, like it was no big deal. So her little boy was shaking a lot – but that was normal! She was talking to her visitors about the fact she had no money for food. It is sad and I feel for the little guy.

I delivered at a teaching hospital so residents were coming in to check on me. It was noted in my chart that we lost Beckett and I think the residents felt it was their job to see how far they could push me without making me cry. One came in and asked my husband to leave the room so she could talk to me. Ok you make him leave the room, but my roomie is still there listening! She asked me how I was and if I would be able to deal with everything. I could only answer that I would try my best and I don’t know how I will feel about things until they happen. She must have put something in a report or something because the next resident that came in mentioned that she saw I was having a hard time. I just wanted to tell them to leave me alone!

Bodhi has been at home for just over 3 weeks now and is growing like a weed. Things that I didn’t think would get to me do and things I thought would don’t. Beckett was a great sleeper and never spit up after eating. Bodhi is a very gassy baby and I feel like he is up all night grunting and groaning. The first time I burped him and he spit up I panicked. I was alone and it brought back the horrible memories of Beckett throwing up before I took him to the hospital. I know it is only spit-up, but seeing it freaks me out every time.

Every noise he makes at night has me checking on him. I know he is fine, but I can’t help it and worry nonstop. I am hoping that in time this fades and I can learn to enjoy the little noises. I don’t want to put him in a bubble, but also feel this huge need to protect him for as long as I can.

Seeing his little face, one that looks so familiar, makes me happy, yet I catch myself staring at him with tears in my eyes thinking about Beckett and wishing he was here to play the “big brother” role.

Here is a picture of him at 9 days!

Is this your first?

2011-02-10T08:33:00.000-08:00

One of the hardest things about having this new bump and one of the reasons I tried to hide it as long as possible is the question "Is this your first?" It is an innocent question and I am sure a common one people get asked, but a hard one for me to deal with. I think the first time I answered I said "yes" as I didn’t want to face then barrage that would follow if I said no "how many other children do you have?" "How old is he?" "Are you looking forward to having 2 little ones running around?" Immediately after I said this was my first I had to walk away. I cried for hours after feeling as if I betrayed Beckett. He was my first and I do have another child, just not one that is here with me anymore. A hard thing to explain to a stranger in passing

Ever since that day I have never said this baby is my first. I have always said I have another and then try to change the subject rather quickly. It usually works, but on occasion I get caught with more questions and then when I tell them my son died, they are quick to change the subject.

There was one occasion a couple of months ago when my DH and I were at a restaurant when the waitress came by and said “oooh what a cute little belly you have”. I thought I was polite and said thanks as she rushed off to another table. I guess I wasn’t as polite as I thought as at the end of our meal, she came by to apologize if she made me feel uncomfortable for bringing it up. I really do wear my emotions!

THANK YOU

2011-02-04T13:02:00.001-08:00

Thank you all for your kind words. It is a bittersweet feeling and as the day draws near – less than 4 weeks now until I deliver, it is becoming more and more real. Scary and real.

I have only bought a few things for this baby. No stock piling diapers anymore. I can’t bring myself to buy more then what I will need for the moment. The thought of having things and having to see them go unused again is always there and nothing I ever want to face. Hopefully that will change over time, but for now I have to live in the moment and not for what I hope the future will bring.

This pregnancy has been relatively uneventful, as was my first. Had a not so good news u/s a few weeks ago, but they seem to think it was technician error and are not overly concerned. I have had trouble getting it out of my mind though. I realize even if there is something wrong with the baby, there is nothing that can be done now. I was told in my counselling session yesterday, yes I still go ever 2 weeks that I need to think positive things and they will come true – easier said than done.

Thank you again for all your kind words and thoughts. Will keep you posted.

Packing

2011-02-01T18:05:00.001-08:00

I haven’t told many people this, maybe for fear of judgement, for fear something will go wrong, for all the unknowns of the whole process – I am expecting. Only 4 weeks to go...

This past weekend we “touched” Beckett’s room. I have been in there a few times lately, looking at his stuff, but not changing anything. Going through his things was definitely not easy, not something I really wanted to do and not something I think you can prepare yourself to do. The clothes and toys he never touched were easier to deal with. The clothes he wore the blankets we used... not so much.

I kept out his pair of PJs stained with vomit and the blanket he had at the hospital with blood stains. I couldn’t bring myself to pack those items away. They now lay on the top of the box of his things in the middle of the nursery. I can’t make things that final yet.

Support EVF

2010-11-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

After Beckett died and we found out the cause of death, enterovirus, I contacted the Enterovirus Foundation (EVF) for more information. This organization was founded by a women who herself contracted the virus and nearly lost her life. It is something she created, using her own money to raise awareness of the illness in hopes that more research will be done to find a cure or treatment.

After the H1N1 breakout last year, the momentum the foundation had deteriorated. Because of my call they have since started it up again and are going full force. Next week they are going to be center stage at the International Clinical Virology Symposium in Buenos Aires discussing how EVF infects 50M in the US a year...and is now known to be a trigger to Juvenile Diabetes.

They have started a Facebook Page that I hope some of you will follow.

My battle with the journal

2010-11-04T10:09:00.000-07:00

So I have been journalling, not faithfully, but trying to do it every few days. Is it helping? Honestly, not really. I find I sit to do it and have nothing to say and can think of a million other things I should be doing instead. I guess I don't know what I am suppose to get out of it.

I told my counsellor I tried to do it and got a not so nice look in return. She said "you either did it or you didn't". My response was, "well then, I did it, just not very much." I was told to do it everyday until I see her again. That was a week ago and I have only managed to write 3 times! I guess I could turn this post into an entry...hmmm

Journals

2010-10-12T10:40:00.000-07:00

I still go to grief counselling every 2 weeks. I wish I could say I find it so helpful, but I don't. I don't know exactly what I expect to happen by going. There are 2 of us in the group that discuss how we have coped over the last few weeks and how we plan on dealing with upcoming anniversaries and holidays. I guess the best thing that comes from that is I get to say what I am feeling to people that "get it".

I have been told I need to start writing in a journal. We are suppose to write, draw or doodle whatever comes in our head. It is not something that needs to be shared and is meant as a method to get all the pain out on paper.I have yet to try it. The thought of sitting quietly writing and crying does not appeal to me at all. I don't want to bring up all the pain and find it easier to stuff it and get on with my day.
Has anyone tried this technique? Thoughts?

Not a "walk in the park"

2010-09-24T08:43:00.000-07:00

I have been having some great days in the past few weeks. It always seems like I feel up – after such a hard anniversary. I think it is just I was so down for weeks that anything feels better.

I had my first dream of Beckett the other night. It was very odd - my father in law, who passed away a few months ago, was missing. We were looking everywhere for him and when we found him he was walking in a park holding Beckett’s hand. Neither of them looked our way even though we called out to them. The dream was peaceful, but it has been on my mind ever since and made me not feel so “up”.

One thing that drives me crazy is that I could not see his face and he didn’t see me. I do feel some comfort in knowing he is not alone, but it drives me crazy that he is not with me.

Today I went to visit a friend who has a child that was born 2 months before Beckett. We went to the park, which proved to be way harder than I thought. Seeing her running around playing just made me sad and miss him so much more. It is a beautiful day out and he should be here enjoying it.

The worst day

2010-09-02T07:58:00.000-07:00

Today is the worst day to remember. This week I have went through multiple boxes of tissues. My eyes are puffy and nose is raw. Something I have become use this past year. Beckett's vomit stained, red PJ's still sit in his room. His blanket still in our bed. Diaper bag is still full of hospital paperwork and supplies for our stay there. Those are physical reminders of what he went through. Those are still things I cannot change or part with.

So many things in my life have changed since that day. I have seen some people's true colours - both bad and good. I have learned that many people find things too hard to deal with so they avoid them. I cannot avoid what happened. I cannot change the way I feel or the direction my life has taken. I didn't choose this, but can choose who I will involve in my life going forward. I will embrace those that have been there for me and given me such great support. For those that haven't, well it is time to part ways. Life is too short and there are bigger issues to tackle.

Thank you to everyone for your continued support and love for our little angel.

I remember

2010-09-01T08:06:00.000-07:00

Even though this last year has been a blur the last few days with Beckett are clear as day. Little man, I remember every detail, even ones I wish I could forget. I only hope that you felt no pain and only remember the happy days with us!

I remember:

• a year ago today holding you almost all day, trying to get you to sleep and keep your fever down

• putting you in your swing for the last time, only to have you throw up all over it...then look up at me and smile with relief

• giving you your last bath at home before putting on your cute red PJs

• crying because I was so exhausted after no sleep for a couple of days and wishing you would just get better

• taking you to your dad’s baseball game so we both could get some fresh air only to have you vomit as soon as I took you out of your car seat

• calling my mom to come get us and take us to the hospital because I knew something wasn’t right

• waiting in that horrible ER for someone to treat you, only to be ignored for hours while another man with a canker sore was treated before you were

• the nurse, Laura K and her fake contact lenses telling me that no IV was ordered an hour after it should have been

• when asking for Tylenol for your fever being told by Laura that you probably didn’t have a fever, but were most likely warm from the blanket I had on you – she never did check his temp

• the Dr. telling me it is likely just a cold and swollen glands that were preventing your head from turning, but not ordering any tests to confirm

• the paediatric nurses faces when they saw the state you were in and that nothing had been done

• the little girl across the hall from you in the ER that was there with her grandmother because her teenage mom couldn’t deal with it

• being admitted only to be told that you would need a spinal tap to check for meningitis

• your screams while the spinal tap was happening

• calling my mom from the other room asking what the outcome of having meningitis would be for you and knowing that she was lying to me

• holding you all night in the single bed while your dad lay in a chair beside us

• knowing that something else was going on when morning came and those big beautiful eyes of yours would no longer meet mine

• carrying you for the last time... downstairs to get a CAT scan

• seeing the nurse come out of the CAT Scan and the way she looked at the floor avoiding any eye contact with us...we knew that it wasn’t good

• having the doctor come out and call us into a side room to discuss what they found and how they would have to transfer you immediately to McMaster Children’s Hospital

• sitting in the hallway of the hospital waiting for them to prepare you for transfer while trying to stop your seizures

• seeing many new mothers being wheeled by us all happy after just giving birth to their new babies

• having the ambulance attendant ask me what is wrong with the baby they were waiting to transport

• leaving the hospital, empty car seat in hand to meet you at McMaster

• running all over the hospital trying to find where they were taking you only to meet you on your little stretcher in the hallway

• the barrage of Dr.s questioning us about where you had been, what you had eaten, who you had been in contact with. Only to be told that they have “never seen anything like this before”

• going to see you with all the tubes in your little body where the nurse told us you were stable, in no more pain

• being told we should go home and rest that the tomorrow would be a tough day with lots of tests and we needed as much rest as possible

• asking the nurse if you were hers would you leave

• deciding that you were ok, didn’t know we were there and that we would go home for a few hours rest

• get home in a daze only to be called a couple of hours later to be told “he has taken a turn for the worst”

• grabbing a photo album of your recent pictures to take to the hospital so the nurses and Dr.s would see what a happy baby you are and how much we needed them to save you

• walking into the hospital doors only to see them doing CPR on your little body – letting out a loud scream

• having the Dr. rush us out to the hallway where they explained they were doing everything they could, but that it happened so quickly

• being allowed to go back into the room to hold you for your last few breaths while they turned off the breathing machine

• you were so bloated from all the fluids I didn’t want to hold you...but daddy did

• we sat there with you, for what felt like hours kissing you and telling you we loved you

• our family coming to say goodbye

• being handed a memory box with a lock of your hair and a frame with your hand and foot print, but leaving without you!

This year has been impossible for us and I can only predict how tomorrow and the rest of our lives will be without you. Love you and miss you more than you can imagine.

Happy memories

2010-08-30T08:05:00.001-07:00

This is the last few days that I will ever be able to say “this time last year Beckett was ...” After this Thursday he will have been gone from my arms for a year. This year has been a complete blur for me.

I often think that the weeks leading up to anniversaries are harder than the day itself. This is most likely because up until now happy memories were able to be recalled...from here on out, only sad ones are the most recent.

Beckett’s room is still as it was the day we took him to the hospital. His PJs stained with vomit still sit on the chair, diaper bag still full of everything I thought I would need for our short hospital stay.

This time last year we had returned from that horrible cottage vacation where he got sick. This is where the bad and painful memories return.

Drawing near

2010-08-04T18:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in awhile, not because I don't want to, but because I am just not sure what more I can say.
I am still extremely sad, I may not look it to most outsiders, but inside I am. I have just gotten better at hiding it, which I am sure is not a good thing.

It has been months since I have been in his Beckett's room. I use to go in there all the time and now, I just can't bring myself to go in there and not see him. In just a few short weeks it will have been 1 year since I saw my little boys smiling face, felt his soft skin and heard his infectious giggle. He feels so far away now I only wish I could turn back time. I would give anything to spend another minute with him.

what not to say to a grieving parent

2010-07-04T16:52:00.000-07:00

I know people are at a loss of what to say and I know people don't mean to be cruel, but many times comments just add to our pain. So I thought I would start a list of things people should not say:

"It has been a year, they should just get over it and move on" - yes, I heard this recently, referring to someone else's grief. I was shocked this was being said to me.
"Just sent my child off to camp for a week, hope I can survive without her" - you chose to send your child away for a week, I am sure you will survive. Try never seeing yours again and then we can discuss survival.
"Things happen for a reason" - would love to know what that is.
"He is in a better place" - if it is so good why are we all not there? Who says it is better then with his parents that love him?
"You can always have another child" - Maybe, maybe not. We want the child we just lost not a new one. You can't replace one with another.
"You are so strong, I could never go through what you are going through" - I wasn't given the choice and really have no options.
"I know how you feel" This is usually followed by "I recently lost my sister/dad/dog/uncle" - Unless you have lost a child you really do not know how we feel, it is very different from losing anyone else.
"I wanted to call or visit, but it was too hard" - It is hard for us too.
"Be glad he was only 4 months and not 4 years"- Age does not determine love
"It has been some time now, you must be feeling better." - It isn't like a cold or the flu, you never get "better," just different.

The most important thing someone can do is to listen to us. Mention our child by name and realize that because he is no longer here with us, it doesn’t mean we don't think about him or want to talk about him.

Our days are filled with ups and downs and we do not know what our day will bring until it is over.

People need to understand that if we find a situation hard to bare it is not because we are not happy your child is celebrating, it is because it reminds us that our child never will. We are happy for you, just very sad for us.

If you say something insensitive and catch yourself, just apologize and move forward

Uncomfortable

2010-06-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I have posted. Life has been hectic with other family issues and work.

I was away at a conference last week, that Beckett was with me at last year. I think news circled fast as to why he wasn't there with me this year although one person must have missed the gossip. She came up and asked if he was with me this year. I replied that he wasn't and that he had died in September. She started to cry and told me how sorry she was. She said she has 2 children and couldn't imagine having something like that happen. Then told me she faints easily and needed to go outside for some air. That was the last she spoke to me.

Death really does make people uncomfortable. I guess if we were all comfortable with it that wouldn't be a good thing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE MAN

2010-05-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

A year ago today I was so excited and nervous . To know that you would be here in a few short hours was all I could think about. Would you be healthy, what would you look like, how much would you way and would you in fact be a boy?

We had 2 different names picked out for you and a backup girl name, just in case. Even though I had countless ultrasounds I was doubtful. I also didn’t want to get my hopes up, in case they were wrong.

Arriving at the hospital I was so scared. The warm sun shone on us as we walked into the hospital... what a great day to meet you. The planned C section went fairly smoothly, except for the fact that you were stubborn and didn’t want to come out, nothing some forceps couldn’t fix. May 4, 2009 at 8:37am, Beckett Laine Alexander Cleland was welcomed into this world.

In the recovery room the nurse handed you to me and I asked her “Now what?” You were content and I had no clue what I was to do with you. I just knew I wanted to stare at you forever.

Unfortunately my dream of staring at you forever was cut to a short 4 months. Today I would have been a mother to a one year old son. A day doesn’t go by where I don’t think of what you would look like today or what trouble you would be getting into. The one thing I do know is that whatever you were doing, you would have had a smile on your face. You always did, even if you were in the middle of crying I could walk over to you and you would stop and grin ear to ear.

I miss your smell and your warm little hands on my shoulder. Your sweet breath and freshly washed skin.

I wanted to use today as a day to remember the happiest moments with you and leave the horrible memories behind. You were wanted so much by so many people and made us all so happy; I feel it is important to honour you.

The day isn’t how I dreamt it would be. I dreamt of you opening your presents eating cake and feeding some of it to the dog. Instead we are left to celebrating in a unique way,but we are celebrating having you in our lives! HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Another person at the table

2010-05-03T19:04:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately Beckett has another family member joining him. My father-in-law passed away this morning. He had been sick for many years and we are happy he is now at peace. It has been a difficult day, going through the planning process again for the first time since Beckett died has not been easy- but we did it!

I am selfishly happy that Beckett now has someone else there with him to celebrate his 1st birthday tomorrow. I know his grandpa will take good care of him and be the best of friends.

Genetic

2010-04-26T05:51:00.000-07:00

We had a meeting last week with a great doctor hat assisted us by going through the Coroner’s report. For some reason we thought there would be more to a report that took 7.5 months to compile. I thought that maybe we would get at least a page of information from the coroner himself. What we received was a short summary of the events that lead up to his death and then a cause of death based on all the test results (which were included in the report to make it look bigger!).

Now that we have had things explained to us apparently he Enterovirus is common and most people have had it in their lives. Beckett died from the virus, secondary to acute necrotizing encephalopathy, which is VERY rare. Basically we were told that his immune system over reacted to the virus and started attacking his own body.

The report also recommended genetic counselling as there COULD be a genetic susceptibly to this. This poses a couple of problems: It takes approximately a year and a half to get an appointment with a geneticist and since it is so rare, they don’t think that a geneticist will be able to test for it.

A neurologist has offered to test his DNA (which I know benefits them with their research) to see if he had a link that they have seen in other cases. I don’t know how long this takes, but tests are underway.

From what I have read there have only been 100 cases identified in the entire world – our odds were better to win the lottery.

The Report

2010-04-19T18:55:00.000-07:00

So I received the actual coroner’s report. I wanted it so I could get a greater understanding of why my child died. The report made me feel sick. To think of what they did to him makes me mad. I know it was to help me find answers, but they didn't know him and I only hope they thought for a moment about the person and not the body.

I found an Enterovirus Foundation whose goal is to raise awareness of the virus and provide funding to researchers. I spoke with the Executive Director of the foundation who contracted the virus a few years ago and knows firsthand how hard it is to fight. She told me that my story has encouraged her to ramp up the awareness and fundraising campaign. I will definitely be following this closely and lending my assistance where required.

In my search for information on the virus I contacted a dr. that has done some research on it. He indicated that:

"Virtually all of our population experiences enterovirus infections throughout their lifetime. These infections vary in outcomes with many not even causing any illness. When there is an illness it is often characterized as a "summer flu". Enterovirus infections of more serious concern are aseptic meningitis, meningoencephalitis and myocarditis which involve the brain and the heart. Most of these resolve by themselves with not long term damage, although they can, in rare cases, prove fatal. The worst cases of enterovirus infection I have seen have occurred in infants born of mothers who are experiencing a "summer flu-like" illness at the time of giving birth. Many of these infants do not survive the infection."

I am quite surprised at how common this apparently is and how no one that I speak with seems to have heard of it.

The Call

2010-04-08T14:52:00.001-07:00

Another tough week - Easter, my birthday and “the call”. The call I have been anxiously and cautiously waiting on for the past 7 months. It happened yesterday morning. It is funny because I had a gut feeling when I awoke, that I would hear from the coroner.

I saw the name and number on the call display and first thought, maybe Brandon called to find out the status on the report. Then I realized he never asked me for his number (I am the keeper of all important numbers in our house), so that couldn’t be it.

I cheerily answered the phone and was immediately asked how we were keeping. I explained to him that we were doing our best to get by, but things were tough. The coroner then indicated they had the results back and that Beckett died of an enterovirus. I asked what that meant and he explained that it was a virus that is passed on by respiratory secretions or the stool of an infected person and it just “got loose” in his body.

I found this on a website:

Newborns who become infected with an enterovirus may rarely develop an overwhelming infection of many organs, including the liver and heart, and die from the infection.

Which is what happened to my little man.

Since I have found out the news and others now know, I have been bombarded with questions: “How do you feel? Is it worse than you thought?” I don’t think you can prepare yourself for any of this. To use the word “worse” is strange to me. I don’t know how it could be better, or how I am supposed to answer that.

I have also gotten (and numerous times), “well it is good that it is not genetic, now you can have another baby.” HELLO I am basically reliving my child’s death like I want to think about that right now... I don’t want another baby – I want the one I had!

"Pity Party", Table of One

2010-03-26T06:44:00.000-07:00

I cant stop thinking WHY ME? I know I have been in this head space before, but now find myself there again. It seems everyone is pregnant (even people in my mind who should not be or aren't for the right reasons) and those that arent are buying big new houses and living a perfect life.
We have been through so much, outside of losing Beckett that I just don't get why some are lucky enough to just love and live life and others are forced to work at it and struggle. I hope through this journey comes some clarity.

Spring Time

2010-03-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a long time. I just feel like what is the sense, nothing has changed Beckett is still not here and I still have no answers as to what happened to my cute little guy.
For the most part the good days are more often then the bad, but every once in awhile something sets me off.
The spring is hard, it was a year ago this weekend that we had my baby shower. All the crap that comes with having a baby and all the anticipation of what was to come. Now I have many unused gifts, a closet full of clothes with tags on it, boxes of diapers and wipes and I have no idea what to do with it all. I don't want to move it, but it is getting so dusty. 6 months of dust build up on all of his things. I have tried numerous times to clean it... but can't.

Not a job I wanted

2010-02-16T15:38:00.000-08:00

Am I horrible to tell people when their actions upset me, knowing that it just upsets them too?
Is it ok to be selfish and want something for myself for once?
Why do I have to educate people on what they should and shouldn't do to ensure they don't upset me?
This is a job I did not sign up for!

Why Me?

2010-02-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

Apparently I am not suppose to ask "Why me?" because it is a question that cannot be answered and can be rebutted by "Why not you?" BUT REALLY why me? There are so many undeserving people out there that have no struggles in their lives. It isn't fair.

My Waterfall Baby

2010-02-06T16:11:00.000-08:00

Thank you soo much Lisa - they are awesome! I also became a "fan" of yours on Facebook!

Relax

2010-02-05T17:19:00.000-08:00

I am trying to be good to myself by going to the gym regularly, working on things that I have been putting off for some time and taking some time to read. I started reading Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, Revised Edition: Surviving the Death of Your Baby and haven't been able to finish it. It was a good book, but I find if I can find a moment to focus and enjoy a book, I much prefer a light read.

Waterworks at the Waterpark

2010-02-01T05:43:00.000-08:00

We took my step-daughters to an indoor waterpark for the weekend. The first day I was fine, cold, but fine. Then yesterday something switched and the tears started. I was sitting there trying to figure out what it was that caused it, then I recalled walking by a women who was holding her sleeping baby. I think it was the way she looked at him that got me....I will never have that moment of joy again with Beckett!

Haiti

2010-01-22T18:51:00.000-08:00

I am watching the Hope for Haiti special right now and it is so sad. I don't understand why all these celebrities with all their cash, just dont step up. I am sure they are donating, but when you make 20mil a film what is it to give 10 million? The amount it probably cost to produce this show is probably out of this world.

ANYWAY...

Seeing those children that have been rescued breaks my heart, they are children without parents and I am a parent without a child. If I could leave tonight and adopt one I would in a heartbeat.

Trigger

2010-01-19T06:03:00.000-08:00

I dont know if it is the counselling or the funeral I "attempted" to attend last week that has been bringing me down.
I think the funeral has a lot to do with it. I went to one, for a friends mother-in-law. There were about 10 babies there, which I was surprised at. I was fine until someone brought in a baby in a red car seat. That did me in. Funny how a red car seat can trigger so much emotion.

Education

2010-01-16T16:30:00.000-08:00

I was recently contacted by a local grief counsellor or to see if I wanted to meet with a couple of other babyloss moms. I was hesitant at first, but thought I would give it a go.

The two other moms, counselor and I met this week to chat. We all sat there nervously not knowing exactly what to expect and not knowing what horrible thing transpired to bring the other there.

Our first task was to go around the room and tell our stories. I have told mine to sooo many people lately and have been able to do so without tears. It came to be my turn and I could barely get my story out of my mouth. The counsellor assured me that it is normal and that it was because I was in the presence of others who knew the pain I was feeling.

Each of our stories was different, but so similar. I felt a real connection to one of the other moms as her son was sick from day one and also has trouble forgetting the way her son looked with all the tubes coming out of him.

The one thing I said, and the others agreed with, was that as soon as I tell someone my story, they say I am sorry and then I say “it is ok.” I say this because I don’t want others to get upset for asking. The counsellor told us to never say it is ok, because it isn’t. The more we negate death, the more our society wants to push it under the rug and forget about it. She has said it is our job to educate others on our journey. She also said it is important to tell the truth when people ask “how are you.” Never say “fine” (and if you feel it at the time, tell them “for the moment fine, but you never know how that will change from day to day”) because if you do people will stop asking you how you are and think you don’t need them.

We briefly discussed where we are at in our grief stage and then it was time to go. We were all warned that we will likely have a really bad week after meeting (like I need help in that department) because we have brought up thoughts and feelings that we try so hard to depress. Well she was right, I have had a pretty bad couple of days and cannot stop thinking about my little guy. I am hoping that after our next meeting the opposite will be true, we will have a great week!

Now I am trying to figure out how I can best educate others on my horrible journey!

Being Together

2010-01-10T10:04:00.000-08:00

We just got back from a weeks vacation in Mexico. It was so nice to get away and do nothing...no phones, family, cooking or cleaning. Our first day by the pool we layed down and looked up to see a dragonfly flying by us. It was if that was our signal to enjoy - that Beckett was with us.

I feel really refreshed and ready to start 2010. There were a few moments of tears, but for the most part we just enjoyed being together.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2009-12-31T05:59:00.000-08:00

2009 was the best and worst year of my life! I hope 2010 brings some positive and happy feelings back into our lives.

Merry Christmas Beckett!

2009-12-25T18:37:00.000-08:00

We love you and missed you so much today. Lots of tears were shed because you were not there. I hope you are happy, wherever you are.

A great Gift

2009-12-25T08:11:00.000-08:00

As I previously mentioned we chose to not decorate this year. We did limited gifts and will be going out for a quiet turkey dinner tonight.
This morning my awesome husband surprised me with a gift. He had taken all the video and photos of Beckett and put them on a DVD to music. It was a great way to wake up this morning - seeing my little mans smiling face.
I forgot how quickly he smiled (5 weeks and he was already smiling), no it wasn't gas! :) My husband is amazing and I am so lucky to have him in my life.

Crazy Dream

2009-12-23T19:45:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a dream I was in a car accident. I was on the way home from my friends house and I hit black ice and rolled the car. I never hit the ground but was upside down. I said to myself, in my dream, "I am not scared, I am not even going to scream. I hope Brandon knows I love him and Beckett I can't wait to see you."
It really creeped me out, enough that I couldnt go to the friends house I was suppose to.

Taken too soon

2009-12-17T17:54:00.000-08:00

Rough day!
I don't expect anyone to respond to this, I just need to vent. I feel like garbage and look like garbage. I am so tired, so sad and so sick of being this way.
We finally downloaded the videos of Beckett laughing, that were taken less than 1 week before he died. I have watched them waaay too many times tonight. It makes me happy to see him, but then it makes it more real that he existed and now is gone.
Why us? Will we ever feel good again? Will I ever be able to watch those videos and not sob? Will it ever fully hit me that he WAS here and is now gone? I often think he was in my imagination. I wanted a child for so long and then he is taken away from me.

From Tinsel to Tears

2009-12-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

I went to a candle lighting ceremony the other day. This was much better than the other event I went to! There were a lot of people there (which I realize now was also what bothered me about the other session, no one was there! It made you feel even more isolated) and they walked through some tips and allowed us to light a candle in memory of our loved one. A lot of tears were shed by us, but it felt good to do something in Becketts honor. To let him know, I may not talk about him a lot BUT I always think about him and wish he was a part of this holiday season.

I just wanted to share some tips that I picked up that may help some of you for Christmas or other special events.

plan the special days, don’t let them just happen. Decide what is important and what can either wait or be deleted. We often take on too much, especially at the holiday season. When we are grieving the overwhelmed feeling is heightened.
Dont be afraid to change traditions. Let those around you know your plans and explain why. Remember things can change year to year so what you do this year is not set in stone for years going forward.
Make sure you rest and eat well – we need to take care of ourselves
Light a candle to celebrate the life of your loved one
Volunteer to help a charity
Go to the cemetery with holiday decorations, flowers or notes
Entertain someone who is as lonely as you are.
There are no rules when it comes to hanging the stocking of the deceased. Some people hang it with the others; some don’t hang it at all. DO what feels best for you.

For us we have decided not to decorate this year. I just do not have the energy to take it all out and then face cleaning and putting it away. I must say I quite love not stressing about it! We also did some of our shopping online, which eliminated the need to go to the mall and face all those happy yet stressed out people. I hope you all find something that works for you, know you aren't alone I will be thinking of you all

All I want for Christmas

2009-12-07T17:39:00.000-08:00

Well there are a few things: one for it not to happen and two for the autopsy report back!
I now know it was not a metabolic or mitochondrial disorder, it was not H1N1 and there was nothing in the toxicology report abnormal. OK so why is this taking so long and why is my little boy not here with me?

I know the answer wont bring him back, but it will allow me to feel some sort of closure. I know I have said this before, but this answer holds the key to our future - can we ever have a child again? If it is genetic I dont think I would even risk it.

I am going to a candle lighting ceremony at the funeral home this week. We will see if this one brings me joy or brings me down, as the other seminar did. Will let you know of any tips I pick up that may help you all.

healing through the holidays

2009-11-30T18:24:00.000-08:00

I went to a "helping you cope through the holidays" talk tonight. I dont believe I got too much out of it, other than I am not alone in the grief journey - which I know I am not.
They made suggestion for things you can do or not do:
- light a candle in their memory and bring it with you to your family dinner, so it is like your child is there with you
- continue to hang their stocking (we didnt have one yet for Beckett - likely the only thing I hadn't bought!) and fill it with a special ornament or letter to your child
- buy a holiday decoration with their name on it (already have it!)
-ensuring you include other children you may have with whatever you plan
- let others do your shopping for you if it is just too much - I think we should let them pay too :)
- talk about your feelings with anyone and everyone

I felt pretty crappy afterwards. I think it is because most of the people there had lost their child 2+ years ago. One woman, lost her daughter in 2003 and was still very emotional about Christmas. She said she still cant have a Christmas. I dont want to be that way, I want to find a way to move on - that scares me

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T08:21:00.001-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all my new American friends. I wish our Thanksgiving Holiday lasted as long as your does!
Hope you all try to have a good day with your family and friends. I know holidays are rough, but you will get through it, afterall, you have no choice but to move forward - your baby would want you to.

Enjoy your turkey

Lately

2009-11-22T06:42:00.000-08:00

I havent posted much lately as I have been throwing myself into my work. I have started my own business and it feels good to have control over something again.

I am already at the point that I can talk about him and not get upset - I often wonder if I am still in the numbness stage or have I really come to terms with the fact that Beckett is gone and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I miss him like crazy, but it happened, it sucks and is completely out of my control.

I do still get upset and it hits me at the oddest moment, but I seem to be able to work through it. Will see if this keeps up through the Christmas season!

No Answers

2009-11-16T15:54:00.000-08:00

We are still waiting for the autopsy results. We were first told October and now have been told likely, January 2010. I am not sure what is taking so long as we know some of the results already. We know it wasn't a mitochondrial or metabolic disease and we now know it was a virus. What type of virus we don't know.

They are also looking to see if there was an immune disorder that caused him not to be able to fight. I hope that is not the case as it will drastically impact our future.

My family Dr. today said I was doing really well and asked me if we have thought about kids in the future. I told her I really hope we can, but am not prepared to try until we have the full autopsy back. Doing anything before then, would not be fair to the baby or to us.

Great People

2009-11-16T05:45:00.000-08:00

Things are tough and I think always will be, but as I have said before you get to "meet" some great people when you go through something like this.
Thanks Holly for the photo - it made my day to know he is in others thoughts.

Thanks fellow posters

2009-11-11T05:28:00.000-08:00

This week has been not a bad one for me. I think it is because last week I was so low with the 2 month mark, his 6 month birthday and then seeing that horrible nurse. Makes this week a piece of cake (ok not really, but hopefully you know what I mean).

Just wanted to thank you all who have been following me. This blogging business is great, and really has been helping me. So has reading all of your stories and posts....since I can't thank you all individually I will just do one big THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

Bumper Magnets

2009-11-10T17:17:00.001-08:00

Does anyone know where I can get a child loss bumper magnet for my car? I haven't seen any that I like...

2009-11-06T16:07:00.000-08:00

Last night my husband and I went to a Grief Workshop put on by Dr. Bill Webster of griefjourney.com. He was reallly good and basically reassured the group that what we are feeling is our new normal. He let us know not to let anyone put a time limit on our journey and to feel what we need to when we need to.

The last point is a great segue into my little story of what happened today. Today I was working at my part-time (very) retail job that I got after Beckett passed away to get me out of the house. The one person I have been dreading seeing since his death came into the store...that damn nurse in ER that did nothing. The same nurse who wouldnt take his temperature and told me he was probably just warm because I had a blanket on him. The same nurse that thought she could get a urine sample from a baby that hasnt taken in any fluid in over 6 hours and had thrown all of that up. The same nurse that forgot to get the IV equipment and then when she did, brought in stuff for an adult. It took everything in me not to say something to her. She had no idea who I was, but I will NEVER forget her. I left the store crying and waited until she was gone. I was shaking and just full of anger. To think she has no clue what affect she has on my life drives me mad.

Thanks for the Reminder

2009-11-05T13:14:00.000-08:00

Why is it that people feel the need to remind you of the date? Why do people feel the need to call and say "oh he would have been 6 months today" or "you must be having a hard day, it has been 2 months since he died" I know that! and if I happened to forget, let me forget for just one day.
I know people mean well and are only trying to be there to comfort us, but sometimes things are better left unsaid.

On a different note, I decided if I were to write a book about how to deal with grief after losing a baby it would be titled "Empty Boobs - Empty Heart"
Seriously there is no life left in them or in me ! :)

Forever in my heart

2009-11-04T15:20:00.000-08:00

6 months ago today I saw this beautiful face for the first time...Miss you Beckett

Forever in our hearts

This is all too hard

2009-11-03T16:05:00.000-08:00

This is all to F*n hard. I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to feel pain everyday, I don't want to cry anymore, I don't want to feel like I did something wrong in my life to deserve this...

My Dream

2009-11-03T06:15:00.000-08:00

It has been 2 months since Beckett passed away. Yesterday was a hard day. As much as I tried not to think about it, it was always there. Then I get home and there are flowers waiting for me, from a friend. It was very sweet of her, but again another reminder.
Last night was the first time since he has passed that I dreamt of him. He was still in the hospital, bloated from all the fluids but opened his eyes and gave me a BIG smile. It felt so real, I miss that smile so much. The dream ended with the dr. writing on his chart that he "is still really sick, but a we are seeing a huge improvement" Oh I wish that were true...

I miss him so much and wish I didnt have to live my memories of him through my dreams...

Mourning my life

2009-10-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

I had a brilliant blog post idea at 1am this morning and now for the life of me cannot remember. Maybe it wasn’t that brilliant after all :)

I do think that people who have not lost a child need to realize a few things...we have not just (and I say that lightly) lost a child but have also lost dreams, plans and hopes for our future. The next chapters of our life are forever changed and will never go back to what we thought and hoped they would be. We are mourning more than the loss of a child; we are mourning the loss of direction our lives were to take.

I think that if more people are explained this, they may stop with the "time will heal" crap and realize it is a life altering experience that we will never get over.

2009-10-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

I sit here, a 5 hour plane ride away from home, in a hotel, alone. Alone with my thoughts. I remember how I use to love days like this, where i could be alone and dream of the future and smile. Now I can't think past tomorrow and can't think for 5 minutes without hot tears streaming down my cheeks.

I just got ready for bed and realized the t-shirt I packed to sleep in was one of the last ones I wore while holding my little guy. I can't believe I didnt realize the shirt I brought. I just caught a glimps of myself in the mirror and realized the stain on the shoulder....the puke stain from the day he went to the hospital is still on it. OK to most mothers, I am sure that would be disgusting and they wouldn't be able to wait to wash it out. To me, it is the greatest smell ever. It smells like Beckett and reminds me of where his face would sit on my shoulder when I held him. It reminds me of the cute look he gave me after he threw up - the look of relief.

I have been thinking alot about the day he passed away and how we went home and weren't with him when CPR needed to be started. I have been thinking alot about how his heart started as soon as we walked into the room, which was 20 min after CPR was started. I hope he knows that we didn't abandon him that night....they thought he was stable! I never would have left his side otherwise.

Ok this is a post full of random blubbering...

Lack of Memories

2009-10-22T05:56:00.000-07:00

I have had this feeling that Beckett never existed. It is very hard to explain. Of course I have thousands of pictures and video to prove he did, I feel almost as if I dreamt him. I started reading a book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah L. Davis. In it there is a section on the lack of memories which describes my feelings perfectly "Memories are important for the bereaved. Dwelling on memories is a way to experience a more gradual goodbye. Unfortunately, when your baby dies before or shortly after birth, you have only a few memories and it is unclear how this baby fit into your life. Your baby is gone, and you have little tangible evidence the he or she really existed." "To them (mothers), the brief hours or few months with the baby are not enough time to gather precious memories."

Work

2009-10-17T14:12:00.000-07:00

I use to work in advertising and then lost my job last November. I chalked it up to bad luck and someone sending me the sign that I was meant to stay home with Beckett. OK so now I have no job and no Beckett... ugh.
I started working retail part-time this week. Not sure how this is going to play out. First of all, as I mentioned before, I have NO patience. Secondly, I havent worked for minimum wage in many, many years so it is hard for me to get motivated. I will have to work a full day to be able to by a sweatshirt! Oh well it is meant to keep my mind off things and to get me out of the house.
I will just have to take it one day at a time. You never know what will come out of a situation - that is for sure!

Cruel World

2009-10-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

Having this happen to me has brought about a great awarness of how often this happens to people. In speaking to someone today they told me of their good friend who lost a son a few months back for causes unknown (he was 18 months old). I am shocked or maybe just more aware of how crazy and unfair this world is to good people.

I wonder if we will ever know why things happen the way they do. I am not religious in the least, but have to think that all of this will make sense to me sometime, someplace.

Thanksgiving

2009-10-11T07:27:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving Day is a harvest festival. Traditionally, it is a time to give thanks for the harvest and express gratitude in general. - Wikipedia

It is Thanksgiving and I am not feeling like I can express my gratitude towards much these days. Yes we have great friends, family and a roof over our head, but this isnt how I invisioned our first holiday after having Beckett.

A few months back I had bought a gourmet baby food cookbook. I had thought by this time he may be eating some food and would be able to share in the festivities with us. We had a good dinner although I am finding everyone is getting on my nerves. The constant questions about nothing drive me crazy. I have zero patience for anything these days.

Our photo shoot

2009-10-08T17:58:00.001-07:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

Reality

2009-10-08T17:53:00.000-07:00

When a tragedy like this happens it brings out the best and the worst in people. I have seen sides of my friends and family I didn’t know existed, both good and bad.

The support from people we know and from those we don’t has been overwhelming. I am happily surprised at the number of caring people out in the world.

I hope that if nothing else, people will take away the reality that life is too short. Everyone should be sure to live for today and not for tomorrow, to tell those close to you that you love them daily and to not let the little things ruin your day as there is always someone out there that has it worse than you do.

I personally have a problem with the last one the most as I wouldn’t want to imagine someone hurting more than I do right now.

Dragonflies

2009-10-06T12:52:00.000-07:00

When we were leaving the hospital after Beckett passed away, we were handed a bag. In the bag was a memory box, a lock of his hair, his hand and foot prints in a frame, 2 dragonfly pins and some literature. One of the readings in there was a poem. Brandon and I both really were touched by the poem for a few different reasons.
1. We had been at a cottage the week before all this happened and we made comments to each other about how many dragonflies there were out...more than we had ever seen before.
2. Becketts favorite toy on his play mat was his little dragonfly
3. his bedding was "dragonfly" by Jolly Jumper and has dragonflies all over it - I only made this connection a week ago.

Here is the poem, I hope you get some comfort from it as we did.

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return...

"That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.

No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea". The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why." "We promise", they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings...The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

The dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.......

by Doris Stickney

Rough Day

2009-10-05T17:42:00.001-07:00

This weekend was a rough one. Not only was it 1 month since I have held and kissed my little guy, he also would have been 5 months old yesterday. Not a fun weekend to say the least. We cleaned up some of his bigger things this weekend, like the car seat, playpen and stroller. Everything has been packed away neatly in the garage (in some great giant Ziploc bags).

I went to my Dr. today. She informed me they had some of the test results back and of course they have all been negative. Negative for any viral infection and negative for any mitochondrial genetic disorder. In some senses I feel relived and in others I am disappointed. I just need to understand how this happened, how a healthy baby can change so quickly. More testing is being done and the coroner report is still being compiled. I just hope that in time we will have some sort of answer...

A month

2009-10-02T17:50:00.000-07:00

It has been one month since we have held and kissed our little guy. It is hard to sit and think that we will never have that chance again, that we will never get to hear his little giggle, or see him smile again.

Today someone said "this last month must have felt like a year." It hasn't though, it feels like only yesterday I was in the emergency room pacing in front of the nurses station asking when we would get to see a doctor. I remember that day so clearly, I am sure I always will.

This day is sad, but I think I am more sad that he would have been turning 5 months in a couple of days. That makes me more upset as I can't stop thinking of what he would be doing, what toys he would have now been interested in and how much cereal he would now be eating. It is those small milestones you look forward to as a mother...now I can only experience those things in my dreams.

Rationalization

2009-10-01T11:05:00.000-07:00

When a life changing event occurs I often try to find a reason for it to happen. There is some sort of comfort in it.
Like when I lost my job last winter and rationalized that it happened because I was meant to stay home, start my own business and take care of Beckett. When my aunt was diagnosed with terminal cancer (who passed away the first week in Sept as well), we rationalized that this was just part of the circle of life, someone who has lived their life passes away to make room for the new babies in this world. NOW I don't know how I will ever be able to rationalize why this happened. How can this ever be turned into a positive thing. How is this ever going to be OK in any ones mind?

New Blog

2009-09-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

I am new to blogging and always thought about starting one. I never had anything to blog about, unfortunately now I have something I think is worth spending the time writing about.

I have posted many of my thoughts on facebook, however I am finding it more and more difficult to go on their and read every one's "happy and up-beat" updates.

I am also growing increasingly annoyed at people complaining about not getting enough sleep because their babies keep them up, whining that they don't get a moment to themselves or at the cost of baby items! What I would give to have Beckett wake me up at night to feed or to take up my entire day.