I have been so busy the last few months with the new baby, work and life that I think I have been guilty of “Stuffing” my feelings about Beckett again.
They seem to creep up and I am a master at shoving them down and getting really involved with something else to occupy my mind.
I still feel a lot of guilt over what happened. Guilty that I didn’t insist on taking him home from the cold, damp cottage when I knew he was sick. (I once again put someone elses feelings before my own.) I also feel guilt for leaving Beckett at the hosptila the night he died to go home to try to get some rest.
I doubt the outcome would have been any different, but I still think about the “what if’s” all the time.
I know I shouldn’t dwell on those things, but I am not sure how I can move past it. I will never have the answers I want or know what would have or could have been different.
I guess this is just life!
I doubt the "what if's" will ever stop. I mean, as a mom, how could you ever stop thinking "if only I had done this or that"? As a mom of 1 living baby right now, I'm constantly over thinking everything to the point of ridiculousness, I can't imagine having to be in your situation. Good luck with the new little guy, I get he's getting huge!
ReplyDeleteI hate how we have no answers :( So sorry that guilt's found you...it bothers me ALL the time! I hate the "what ifs" but can't help myself to wonder.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI had to take my baby off of life support. I have so much guilt about that :( But in the end, I think we all try hard to do what is best. I'm praying for you today.
On 11/18 my little one would have been nine. As a tribute to him and other babies who have passed away, I'm hosting a blogfest for mothers who have lost infants or children. I would love it if you could join us and share your story.
-Elisa
Here's that link if you're interested:
http://ecwrites.blogspot.com/2011/11/golden-sky-blogfest-is-in-less-than.html