I survived

I had an interesting conversation with someone the other day.  I hadn’t really spoken to this person since my son died, but we use to be really close.  The conversation went like this:

Her “I don’t know how you did it.”

Me: “Did what”

Her: “Lived through what you went through”

Me: “What choice did I have?”

Her: “Your still here!”

That last comment shocked me and made me realize people couldn’t imagine walking in my shoes.  They are uncomfortable ones and ones I wouldn’t share with anyone. 

As far as being here, I AM, but as a different me.  I am not the only one grieving.  In addition to my family and friends, my husband is also grieving the loss of his son.  Even in my darkest days, not surviving didn’t cross my mind.  How could I leave him alone to deal with his grief?  Who would help him keep our sons memory alive?  

I AM here, I AM a different person.   

I have learned more about myself and others around me then I ever thought was possible.   

I know who will be there for me when I need them and I know who I can’t lean on.   

I know I am stronger than I ever believed I could be. 

I know nothing in life is certain and as much as I like to plan and be in control, I can’t.    

As much as I now know there are many things I dont.  I don’t know what my future will hold or what will happen tomorrow, but I do know I will survive whatever life throws at me.