Welcome our Rainbow Baby

Tomorrow will mark 4 weeks since my little boy was born. Yes, we had another little boy and he looks so much like his big brother did at this age it is incredible. March 1st at 4:17pm our little Bodhi came into this world weighing 7lbs. Bodhi was born via scheduled C section, as was Beckett. The whole day was surreal and brought with it a bunch of emotions that I am not sure I can articulate.


The first night at the hospital I had to spend alone because I was placed in a semi-private room. When the nurse informed me that Brandon would have to go home, I cried. I was scared and needed him there with me, but I had no choice. To top the evening I had a roommate join me around 3am that morning. She was all of 17 years old and arrived with her boyfriend and no baby. When the nurse asked her if she had any questions the only one she came up with was, “when can I get the birth certificate?” I thought it was odd, but was tired and just wanted them to be quiet so I could sleep. I also thought it was odd that when Bodhi was brought in, so I could BF him, she remarked through the curtain “oh they bring your baby to you so you can feed him?”. I just responded yes and wondered where her child was.

My roomies first visitor arrived at 8am – visiting hour’s don’t start until 11am, which is when I found out that her baby was in the neonatal unit being monitored for withdrawal symptoms because the mother is addicted to methadone. I understand some people have problems, but I just couldn’t handle the way she spoke about what the baby was going through, like it was no big deal. So her little boy was shaking a lot – but that was normal! She was talking to her visitors about the fact she had no money for food. It is sad and I feel for the little guy.

I delivered at a teaching hospital so residents were coming in to check on me. It was noted in my chart that we lost Beckett and I think the residents felt it was their job to see how far they could push me without making me cry. One came in and asked my husband to leave the room so she could talk to me. Ok you make him leave the room, but my roomie is still there listening! She asked me how I was and if I would be able to deal with everything. I could only answer that I would try my best and I don’t know how I will feel about things until they happen. She must have put something in a report or something because the next resident that came in mentioned that she saw I was having a hard time. I just wanted to tell them to leave me alone!

Bodhi has been at home for just over 3 weeks now and is growing like a weed. Things that I didn’t think would get to me do and things I thought would don’t. Beckett was a great sleeper and never spit up after eating. Bodhi is a very gassy baby and I feel like he is up all night grunting and groaning. The first time I burped him and he spit up I panicked. I was alone and it brought back the horrible memories of Beckett throwing up before I took him to the hospital. I know it is only spit-up, but seeing it freaks me out every time.

Every noise he makes at night has me checking on him. I know he is fine, but I can’t help it and worry nonstop. I am hoping that in time this fades and I can learn to enjoy the little noises. I don’t want to put him in a bubble, but also feel this huge need to protect him for as long as I can.

Seeing his little face, one that looks so familiar, makes me happy, yet I catch myself staring at him with tears in my eyes thinking about Beckett and wishing he was here to play the “big brother” role.

Here is a picture of him at 9 days!