I haven’t told many people this, maybe for fear of judgement, for fear something will go wrong, for all the unknowns of the whole process – I am expecting. Only 4 weeks to go...
This past weekend we “touched” Beckett’s room. I have been in there a few times lately, looking at his stuff, but not changing anything. Going through his things was definitely not easy, not something I really wanted to do and not something I think you can prepare yourself to do. The clothes and toys he never touched were easier to deal with. The clothes he wore the blankets we used... not so much.
I kept out his pair of PJs stained with vomit and the blanket he had at the hospital with blood stains. I couldn’t bring myself to pack those items away. They now lay on the top of the box of his things in the middle of the nursery. I can’t make things that final yet.
Rachel, I was just thinking of you and praying that you are doing alright. Will keep you and the new little one close in my prayers. The packing is really hard. I've had to do it in small segments. I still have a ways to go. Please let us know when the wee one arrives.
ReplyDeleteFirst, Congratulations! I am so happy for you.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I know how painful this is for you. I waited until the absolute last minute to touch Ayden's room. We had sold our house, and I wouldn't let anyone touch his things other than Jeremy or myself. I packed them away carefully. I bought a trunk to put all the special items in - the ones I couldn't bear to pack away. The trunk sits in our bedroom with a memory box on top that contains his small toys, sunglasses, lovies, pacifiers, etc. I can look at it every day and "be with" him.
It's still so hard, though, to make that transition. I remember feeling like I was betraying Ayden by moving forward and putting his brother "first." A newborn requires so much attention, and I knew it would take my focus away from ayden. But I was able to balance it out.
Collen has brought back joy and happiness that was missing from our lives after losing Ayden. I pray your new litle bundle will do the same. I was glad to see that you had posted a blog; and I was ecstatic to see that you only have weeks to go! Please post pictures.
Beckett will always be your first and most precious child. I'm sure he's so proud of his new brother or sister!
Rachel, I am so happy for you and so heartbroken at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI noticed things had been quiet on the blog. I wasn't sure if the autopsy results provided some closure, or if you felt you had no more words.
I can't imagine how hard it must be to have to go through Beckett's things.
I congratulate you on this new, joyful milestone. No one will ever replace Beckett, the love you have for him will not be lessened or changed, but a new baby will be a wonderful source of joy. A new outlet to channel all the love you have.
I hope everything goes well, and look forward to hearing updates!
Thinking of you.
I'm so happy for you. I too am expecting again (my third pregnancy after 2 late 1st trimester miscarriages) and I know how you feel (kind of). I'm not really ready to announse it to the world (I'm almost 12 weeks) because pregnancy just isn't a grand thing to me. I think my view on it is jaded. And it sucks. But I hope and pray everything goes well for you this time!!!
ReplyDeleteWishing you peace and comfort for the next few weeks. I'm sure the delivery of your new little one will be bittersweet (it was for me) but I hope there is more sweetness and love surrounding you than anything else. Think of you and your sweet Beckett. xx
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your wonderful news, I can understand why you wanted to keep this quiet - it is a scary path, a pregnancy after a loss. But you shouldn't fear peoples judgement, especially not on here, we all understand.
ReplyDeleteAs for the packing - all in your own time my darling. If you never want to pack those items away then don't, I can only imagine how much you want to hold those pjs close and wish, wish, wish your beautiful Beckett back into being. God knows I have done it often enough myself with Lucy.
Stay strong, looking out for your happy news xxxxxxxx
Congratulations! I stumbled across your blog a long time ago, and I still check in every now & then to see how you're doing. I'm so happy to hear your news! Does that mean you only have 4 weeks left until the birth, or 4 weeks left until you will tell everyone that you are expecting? Either way, I am thrilled for your news. :)
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