- "It has been a year, they should just get over it and move on" - yes, I heard this recently, referring to someone else's grief. I was shocked this was being said to me.
- "Just sent my child off to camp for a week, hope I can survive without her" - you chose to send your child away for a week, I am sure you will survive. Try never seeing yours again and then we can discuss survival.
- "Things happen for a reason" - would love to know what that is.
- "He is in a better place" - if it is so good why are we all not there? Who says it is better then with his parents that love him?
- "You can always have another child" - Maybe, maybe not. We want the child we just lost not a new one. You can't replace one with another.
- "You are so strong, I could never go through what you are going through" - I wasn't given the choice and really have no options.
- "I know how you feel" This is usually followed by "I recently lost my sister/dad/dog/uncle" - Unless you have lost a child you really do not know how we feel, it is very different from losing anyone else.
- "I wanted to call or visit, but it was too hard" - It is hard for us too.
- "Be glad he was only 4 months and not 4 years"- Age does not determine love
- "It has been some time now, you must be feeling better." - It isn't like a cold or the flu, you never get "better," just different.
Our days are filled with ups and downs and we do not know what our day will bring until it is over.
People need to understand that if we find a situation hard to bare it is not because we are not happy your child is celebrating, it is because it reminds us that our child never will. We are happy for you, just very sad for us.
If you say something insensitive and catch yourself, just apologize and move forward
I have had a mental list like this one in my head for a while. Glad you posted this! So many people mean well, but they can definitely say things that really hurt....
ReplyDeleteTake care...
I honestly think people are not sure what to say really! Its very difficult for other people to realize if they have not been through it. The only thing people can say is sorry for your loss & we are hear to listen. I work in an ER & we just stay quiet when someone loses a family member because we could easily upset them!
ReplyDeletehope you had a wonderful fourth of July! take care.
Yes! A terrific list and your responses are spot on.
ReplyDeleteI agree with them all...best way to help is to shut up, listen and just be there..((hugs))
ReplyDeleteThe things people say... It is so hard to not bite their heads off. They dont know what to say and honestly, I dont think they think a lot of times before they speak. Hopefully with bereaved parents educating them, they wont make the same hurtful statement to another mom or dad.
ReplyDeleteI follow your blog through my sister Lindsay, and I would agree with every statement you've made. The grief process is something that never ends, and yes, people do lose their parents and spouses, but that is all part of life, a child is never supposed to go before you. People put a lot of pressure on someone who has lost a child to go on and have another one, but a child isn't a toy that can be replace when lost.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I have heard this statement said (by someone that lost a child); when they told someone about the death, and couldn't help but say "why me", they got the response "why not you, what makes you so special". It's a horrible response to give someone who has already lost so much.
The list is all too familiar unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I wrote this list....every single word of it. My child was also 4 months... I seriously feel like I wrote this list.
ReplyDeleteHollee sorry to hear about your loss. People do not realize how much words hurt.
DeleteThis is perfect. Hugs to you. People sometimes just say stupid things they have heard before out of other's mouths. I think this post helps people to replace the insensitive with thoughtful comments or a listening ear.
ReplyDeletePaula
Though my child passed away shortly after birth, people just assume it was a miscarriage and would tell me it was common to lose a pregnancy. It is also common to lose grandparents, but no one is going to say that to you after a their funeral.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon your blog here - I lost a daughter at 2 1/2 over 28 years ago and I still think about her and miss her every day. Slowly, over time, I remember much more of the good than the bad parts of her life - but your words speak to me just as powerfully as if she had only been gone a day. People said all those awful things to us, too, and they were awful then, too. The only thing that people said that seemed to help was, "I don't know what to say. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel."
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself as best as you can, and realize that you will feel better someday, but you will never get over it, and you will never forget, and you will be glad for both of those things. Love and prayers across the miles and the years.
Sarah Rose - mother of Jessamyn, my angel child.