Beckett ~ May 4, 2009 - Sep 2, 2009

Beckett ~ May 4, 2009 - Sep 2, 2009
My "little man"

Friday, March 9, 2012

Baby footprints

Bodhi and I are signed up for a baby art class. We haven't done anything really since he was born that involved being in close proximity of other children. Sad really, but we still worry about him getting sick. So far things have went well and he loves being around the other kids - I know this is so good for him. 

First day of class they took their footprints. Something so fun, so simple yet threw me off guard.  The only other time footprints were done was of Beckett, after he died. It bothered me I can't deny that fact, but I was able to shake it off. 

Damn triggers...

Friday, February 10, 2012

Memory Box

Bodhi's birthday is coming up and I am finding it difficult. I almost feel bad celebrating knowing that I wasn't able to properly celebrate Beckett's.

I was moving some things around today and came across Beckett's memory box.  The one that they gave us at the hospital after he died. I haven't dared to open it in awhile, but did today.  Sitting right on the top was a lock of his hair.  The hair is the exact same colour as Bodhi's!

My two little boys would probably have been so much alike and been the best of friends.  It makes me sad that Bodhi will never grow up having met his brother and never have a sibling. I wish I could have just one family photo of the 4 of us to put in that memory box...

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Hand close to my heart

When Beckett died the nurse came in and asked us if we wanted her to make a copy of his hand and foot prints.  My immediate answer: NO.  I thought it was morbid and wrong to take prints of a child after he has died when you didnt do it when he was born. All she said to me was "you have one opportunity and I don't want you to regret not doing it."  I don't really remember agreeing to it, but in the bag we took home with us from the hospital was a framed picture of his hand and foot prints.

I am so glad that she did that! Not only does the framed piece of art sit in our family room, but now I get to have a piece of that with me all the time...

I recently entered a contest on Four Plus an Angel's blog to win an awesome piece by Denise Freidhoff, owner of Lauren Nicole Gifts, and to my amazement I won!

Denise makes hand-stamped silver and wax seal jewelry. You can email her your child's prints, artwork, photo, or signature and she can put it on a piece of jewelery for  you.  I sent her a copy of Beckett's hand print to reproduce for me. Having his hand close to my heart means so much to me.  Thank you so much Denise for allowing me to carry a piece of my son with me at all times!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Not forgetting

It has been awhile.

The holidays are now over - thank goodness.  I thought they may be a bit easier this year, but not so much.  It is so hard when you sit and think about what "should" be.  I should have had 2.5 year old running around excited for Christmas, I should have had a picture with my 2.5 year old and 10 month old sitting on Santa's knee.  I didn't get that, and never will. 

I find as time goes on people forget, or think mentioning Beckett is a bad thing.  Not a day goes by I don't forget. Bodhi does not replace Beckett and never will. The holidays are tough, seeing my friends children grow is tough and not having a complete family photo really bothers me.

These are things I still struggle with and chose to keep it inside.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Chase Community Giving

Chase Community Giving

Chase Community Giving was started in 2009.  It was designed to allow for readers to determine where Chase donates the millions of dollars they have put aside to assist chairities. 
  

HOW DOES THE PROGRAM WORK?

Chase Community Giving Fall 2011 voting started on November 8th, 2011 and will run until November 22, 2011. The 100 eligible charities with the most votes will share $3.025 million dollars in grants, with awards as follows: 1 charity will receive $250,000, 4 charities will receive $100,000, and 95 charities will receive $25,000.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Since you all know how important the Enterovirus is to me and my family, I would love it you could use 1 of your 10 votes to vote for the EVF Foundation.  This money will help researchers understand the disease and develop antiviral medications that work to stop its progression - something my little Beckett could have used.

Thanks in advance for your vote!

Monday, October 3, 2011

This is just life

I have been so busy the last few months with the new baby, work and life that I think I have been guilty of “Stuffing” my feelings about Beckett again.

They seem to creep up and I am a master at shoving them down and getting really involved with something else to occupy my mind. 

I still feel a lot of guilt over what happened.  Guilty that I didn’t insist on taking him home from the cold, damp cottage when I knew he was sick.  (I once again put someone elses feelings before my own.)  I also feel guilt for leaving Beckett at the hosptila the night he died to go home to try to get some rest.

I doubt the outcome would have been any different, but I still think about the “what if’s” all the time.

I know I shouldn’t dwell on those things, but I am not sure how I can move past it.  I will never have the answers I want or know what would have or could have been different.   

I guess this is just life!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I survived


I had an interesting conversation with someone the other day.  I hadn’t really spoken to this person since my son died, but we use to be really close.  The conversation went like this:

Her “I don’t know how you did it.”
Me: “Did what”
Her: “Lived through what you went through”
Me: “What choice did I have?”
Her: “Your still here!”

That last comment shocked me and made me realize people couldn’t imagine walking in my shoes.  They are uncomfortable ones and ones I wouldn’t share with anyone. 

As far as being here, I AM, but as a different me.  I am not the only one grieving.  In addition to my family and friends, my husband is also grieving the loss of his son.  Even in my darkest days, not surviving didn’t cross my mind.  How could I leave him alone to deal with his grief?  Who would help him keep our sons memory alive?  

I AM here, I AM a different person.   
I have learned more about myself and others around me then I ever thought was possible.   
I know who will be there for me when I need them and I know who I can’t lean on.   
I know I am stronger than I ever believed I could be. 
I know nothing in life is certain and as much as I like to plan and be in control, I can’t.    

As much as I now know there are many things I dont.  I don’t know what my future will hold or what will happen tomorrow, but I do know I will survive whatever life throws at me.