Merry Christmas Beckett!

We love you and missed you so much today.  Lots of  tears were shed because you were not there. I hope you are happy, wherever you are.

A great Gift

As I previously mentioned we chose to not decorate this year. We did limited gifts and will be going out for a quiet turkey dinner tonight. 
This morning my awesome husband surprised me with a gift.  He had taken all the video and photos of Beckett and put them on a DVD to music.  It was a great way to wake up this morning - seeing my little mans smiling face. 
I forgot how quickly he smiled (5 weeks and he was already smiling), no it wasn't gas! :)  My husband is amazing and I am so lucky to have him in my life. 

Crazy Dream

Last night I had a dream I was in a car accident. I was on the way home from my friends house and I hit black ice and rolled the car. I never hit the ground but was upside down. I said to myself, in my dream, "I am not scared, I am not even going to scream.  I hope Brandon knows I love him and Beckett I can't wait to see you."
It really creeped me out, enough that I couldnt go to the friends house I was suppose to. 

Taken too soon

Rough day!
I don't expect anyone to respond to this, I just need to vent. I feel like garbage and look like garbage.  I am so tired, so sad and so sick of being this way. 
We finally downloaded the videos of Beckett laughing, that were taken less than 1 week before he died. I have watched them waaay too many times tonight.  It makes me happy to see him, but then it makes it more real that he existed and now is gone. 
Why us? Will we ever feel good again? Will I ever be able to watch those videos and not sob? Will it ever fully hit me that he WAS here and is now gone? I often think he was in my imagination. I wanted a child for so long and then he is taken away from me.

From Tinsel to Tears

I went to a candle lighting ceremony the other day. This was much better than the other event I went to! There were a lot of people there (which I realize now was also what bothered me about the other session, no one was there! It made you feel even more isolated) and they walked through some tips and allowed us to light a candle in memory of our loved one. A lot of tears were shed by us, but it felt good to do something in Becketts honor. To let him know, I may not talk about him a lot BUT I always think about him and wish he was a part of this holiday season.


I just wanted to share some tips that I picked up that may help some of you for Christmas or other special events.

• plan the special days, don’t let them just happen. Decide what is important and what can either wait or be deleted. We often take on too much, especially at the holiday season. When we are grieving the overwhelmed feeling is heightened.
• Dont be afraid to change traditions. Let those around you know your plans and explain why. Remember things can change year to year so what you do this year is not set in stone for years going forward.
• Make sure you rest and eat well – we need to take care of ourselves
• Light a candle to celebrate the life of your loved one
• Volunteer to help a charity
• Go to the cemetery with holiday decorations, flowers or notes
• Entertain someone who is as lonely as you are.
• There are no rules when it comes to hanging the stocking of the deceased. Some people hang it with the others; some don’t hang it at all. DO what feels best for you.

For us we have decided not to decorate this year. I just do not have the energy to take it all out and then face cleaning and putting it away.  I must say I quite love not stressing about it!  We also did some of our shopping online, which eliminated the need to go to the mall and face all those happy yet stressed out people.  I hope you all find something that works for you, know you aren't alone I will be thinking of you all

All I want for Christmas

Well there are a few things: one for it not to happen and two for the autopsy report back!
I now know it was not a metabolic or mitochondrial disorder, it was not H1N1 and there was nothing in the toxicology report abnormal.  OK so why is this taking so long and why is my little boy not here with me? 

I know the answer wont bring him back, but it will allow me to feel some sort of closure. I know I have said this before, but this answer holds the key to our future - can we ever have a child again?  If it is genetic I dont think I would even risk it. 

I am going to a candle lighting ceremony at the funeral home this week.  We will see if this one brings me joy or brings me down, as the other seminar did.  Will let you know of any tips I pick up that may help you all.

healing through the holidays

I went to a "helping you cope through the holidays" talk tonight.  I dont believe I got too much out of it, other than I am not alone in the grief journey - which I know I am not.
They made suggestion for things you can do or not do:
- light a candle in their memory and bring it with you to your family dinner, so it is like your child is there with you
- continue to hang their stocking (we didnt have one yet for Beckett - likely the only thing I hadn't bought!) and fill it with a special ornament or letter to your child
- buy a holiday decoration with their name on it (already have it!)
-ensuring you include other children you may have with whatever you plan
- let others do your shopping for you if it is just too much - I think we should let them pay too :)
- talk about your feelings with anyone and everyone

I felt pretty crappy afterwards. I think it is because most of the people there had lost their child 2+ years ago. One woman, lost her daughter in 2003 and was still very emotional about Christmas. She said she still cant have a Christmas. I dont want to be that way, I want to find a way to move on - that scares me